What even is adversity? Let’s talk about it
Adversity is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot, but let’s be real… it’s not just “hard things happening.” It’s what happens when something collides with your life and knocks the wind out of you, it’s the rupture between how you thought life would go and how it’s actually going and it is the exact moment you realize you’re not in control, and now you have to figure out how to live with that. Why is life so hard? That’s a question many of us ask when adversity hits, and it’s okay not to have the answer right away.
Examples of adversity
Losing someone you love.
Getting diagnosed with something that changes your future.
Being laid off from a job you relied on for your financial wellbeing.
Living with a chronic illness.
Carrying trauma you haven’t even put words to yet.
Watching your life unfold in a way you never asked for.
You don’t have to name your pain to earn help. Simply put, adversity is whatever is stretching your capacity right now.
1. Start by giving yourself permission to not be okay
We’re always so focused on appearing strong and put together to the outside world, that we forget the power of just being true to ourselves. The “I’m good, just tired” mask might get you through work or dinner with your family, but it won’t help you move through this. In fact, it keeps you stuck. Because when you deny the pain, you delay the process.
Adversity already takes enough from you. Don’t let it take your truth too.
If you’re going through life just pretending to be okay, you’re in survival mode. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, actual healing only comes from accepting your adversity first. And it doesn’t look pretty, but it does feel like you’re letting out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding.
So let this be your permission slip: you don’t have to be strong today. You get to be messy, you get to fall apart, and you get to admit that you have no idea how to fix this.
2. Name what you’re facing so it stops living in the shadows
There’s a certain power in saying it out loud. Even if “out loud” just means whispering it to yourself in the shower or scribbling it into the notes app at 1am.
I’m grieving.
I’m scared.
I’m angry.
I’m lost.
I understand that you’re scared of naming it, because if you say it out loud, you give life to it. The truth is that it’s alive because it is there, and ignoring it won’t make it go away. Ignoring it won’t even shrink it, it will just give it more power to grow quietly in the dark.
Half of the exhaustion of adversity is carrying it around like an unnamed weight. Your nervous system deserves better than that — it deserves clarity and honesty. And the second you name it, your body loosens its grip.
3. Create just one small anchor in your day
When life feels like it’s unraveling, the last thing you need is a 12-step morning routine with green juice and a 5am workout. And yes, I mean that. Because you really don’t need a whole new life, you need just one small thing to hold on to.
That anchor might be brushing your teeth while listening to a playlist that makes you feel safe. It might be texting one friend. Even drinking a glass of water while standing in sunlight for sixty seconds counts if it gives you your sense of autonomy back.
In a world where every action demands so much energy, it can be nice to have tiny rituals that are so easily doable.
4. Notice your thoughts (but don’t treat them like facts)
Adversity has a way of pulling your worst thoughts to the surface.
I can’t do this.
I’ll never be okay again.
This is all my fault.
And sure, your thoughts are real because you’re thinking them. But that doesn’t make them true, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to listen to them.
Sometimes our thoughts are just pain in disguise, they’re our low self esteem, they’re our self doubt, and maybe even self hatred. You might be thinking something along the lines of “oh well, I’ll simply push these thoughts way down to the bottom of my brain, and that will help me feel better”, and while I understand wanting to look at it that way — I offer you another alternative: what if you take the power away entirely, acknowledge that the thought is just your brain playing tricks on you, and choose to put a little distance between you and what it’s saying?
Next time your negative thoughts decide to hit you like a punch in the gut, take a beat and literally call it silly out loud.
And if negative thoughts are something you deal with more often than you’d like, here’s a video on why exactly they show up and how you can gently start reclaiming your power.
5. Explore what this moment is really bringing up
Adversity doesn’t enter your life alone, it comes in with extra baggage: everything bad that’s ever happened to you. It pokes at your old wounds and gnaws at them until they reopen. Adversity feeds off more adversity, and this can look a lot like:
The heartbreak that echoes all the other times you felt abandoned
The failure feeding off the old story that you’ll never be enough
The rejection reminding you of all the times you were denied love
And the silence a proof of all the times you weren’t heard
Ask yourself, what does this moment feel like in my body?
Then ask, when have I felt this before?
If you tend to feel the weight of everything else in the face of adversity, this could be a sign that you’re carrying more than you think you are. And if you’d like to start unpacking the weight, we have a team of brilliant therapists here at the Mentally STRONG Clinic to help you.
6. Stay connected, even if it’s uncomfortable
You know how you get so tired sometimes, all you want to do is go up in the mountains all by yourself and live out the rest of your life as a cosy hermit?
Believe me, I understand that. Adversity makes you want to completely shut down, retreat inward, and maybe even disappear.
Do you know why? Your body and your brain are working in tandem to protect you. They don’t want you hurt, and they believe that seclusion is going to fix this for you.
It’s noble, but it’s not sustainable. We’re not made to live alone, and we can’t carry all of our pain by ourselves. Next time you get the urge to isolate, pick up the phone, and give someone you love a call. It doesn’t even have to be about the deep stuff. It just needs to be, as a little act of care to yourself and to those who love you.
And who knows? An hour-long call about the silly restaurant gossip with your sister who doesn’t really like you that much might actually help you feel better.
7. Give yourself space to grieve what you’ve lost
We tend to assume that grief is about “big” things like losing someone to death. And that’s not necessarily true. It can be over an old relationship, a version of yourself, or even a dream that died quietly in the background. With adversity comes loss, and with that comes the grief of what could have been. So next time that wave of grief hits, allow yourself the space to feel it.
And remember this; grief is not here to punish you. It’s here because love once lived there, but what really is grief is not love with nowhere to go?
I understand grief deeply, having lost 3 children and my husband. And I had to go through the painful process of dealing with it on my own. This is my gift to you; if you’re grieving and would like some extra help, or even just something to hold you through it, here’s a free course — Grieve with Purpose.
Get instant access today to the free grief course
8. Remember that resilience looks different every day
This journey of overcoming adversity and embracing healing and growth is complicated, confusing, and not at all linear. Some days you’ll wake up ready to conquer the day, and others will have you refusing to get out of bed because everything is terrible and hard.
Give yourself some grace.
Resilience looks different every day, and what matters most is you continuing to show up to the fight. If it helps, you can focus on setting small mental health goals to stay grounded during this season.