There’s nothing more human than wanting to help someone you love when they’re in pain.
But if that pain is grief of losing someone they love… the usual things will not work. You’ll find yourself aching at their loss, wanting desperately to help, and having no idea how to actually help. You’re reading this article because you want to help, you really do, but you’re scared of saying the wrong thing, or making their life even harder for them.
Let’s explore how you can hold space for someone who’s drowning in grief while keeping yourself afloat.
Before we start, I want you to take a deep breath.
You’re doing great.
What to Say to Someone Grieving
Here’s the honest truth: there’s no magic phrase that makes someone feel better when they’ve lost a person they love.
But that doesn’t mean your words don’t matter. In fact, what you say (and don’t say) can either feel like a warm blanket or a cold slap. And when someone is grieving, even small words echo loudly.
So here’s how to show up with your words, when all you want is to make sure they don’t feel alone:
Simple, thoughtful phrases that help
Sometimes the best words are the simplest ones. Try these:
- “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”
- “You don’t have to say anything. Just know I love you.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you.”
- “I’m not going anywhere.”
- “You can talk about them anytime. I’d love to hear their name.”
There’s no need for long speeches, they just need to know that you’re holding space for them… and for their grief.
How to comfort someone over text when you can’t be there in person
It feels horrible to text them, right? How can a text even attempt to convey everything you feel for them? Sometimes though, texting is all you can do and although it feels small, it can be a lifeline on the right day. Especially if you keep checking in, even weeks later. This is especially true around painful milestones like the one-year death anniversary, when most people have stopped checking in but grief is still very present.
Here’s a few ideas for when you feel at a total loss:
- “You don’t have to respond to this, I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you today.”
- “I saw [something personal: their favorite flower, a photo memory, etc.] and thought of [their loved one’s name]. I hope it’s okay I’m saying this.”
- “How are you today? If you want to scream, cry, sit in silence, or send me a meme… I’m here for all of it.”
And if you’re wondering, how often is too often? it’s better to risk showing up too much than not enough. No one is demanding perfection from you, you just need to be present. Trust me, it goes a long way.
Things you should avoid saying
Even the most well-meaning words can accidentally sting. If you’re unsure, avoid these:
- “They’re in a better place.” (They want them here. That’s the place they wish for.)
- “At least they lived a long life.” (Grief doesn’t care about age. It only knows absence.)
- “Everything happens for a reason.” (Maybe true. Still unhelpful.)
- “You’ll feel better soon.” (Grief has no timeline.)
- “I know how you feel.” (No one ever really does. Let them show you instead.)
Bonus: Try to keep religion out of it, especially if you’re not familiar with their beliefs. Religious advice to someone who doesn’t believe/practice can do more damage than good, and it might even cause them to mentally check out of the conversation.
How to listen without trying to fix the pain
And yes, this part is harder than it sounds. When we see someone we love suffer, it goes against every instinct to not try swooping in to fix everything.
Here’s the thing: there’s nothing to fix here because grief isn’t a problem to solve. It won’t go away, and it’s a weight your loved one has to carry.
Next time they open up, resist the urge to interrupt with advice or problem-solve your way through it. Instead, hold space for their pain, and listen to what they’re saying.
And if you feel unsure what to say after they share something raw, try:
- “Thank you for trusting me with that.”
- “That makes so much sense.”
- “I’m honored to hold this with you.”
But What Can You Actually Do for Someone Who Is Grieving?
Sometimes when someone you love is hurting so deeply that your words feel useless, your hands ache to do something. Anything.
So if you’re sitting there wondering how to be helpful without being intrusive, here are a few gentle, meaningful ways to actually show up for someone in mourning; both right now and long after the casseroles have stopped arriving.
Small actions that end up meaning the most
Think of these as grief-friendly love languages. They’re meant to say only one thing: you’re not alone.
- Drop off a meal. And not just the first week, but randomly, two months later when no one else is showing up anymore.
- Pick up a chore: laundry, dishes, taking the dog for a walk. And then actually show up to do them
- Send a care package: tea, soft socks, their favorite candy, tissues, a fluffy plushie… whatever makes them feel held.
- Offer to sit with them in silence.
- Light a candle and tell them it’s for their person
Still confused? Here’s specific examples to help you show up
Not sure where to begin? Steal these word-for-word:
- “Hey, I’m making soup this week. I’ll leave a container on your porch — no need to text back.”
- “I’m heading to the grocery store. What do you need? Eggs? Coffee? Comfort snacks?”
- “I’ve got a night off this weekend. Want company or quiet? Either way, I’m yours.”
- “This Sunday will probably be hard. Want to go for a drive?”
What makes these work is that they remove the burden of decision-making from your grieving friend. You’re not asking if they need something. You’re offering it freely, without expectation.
Ways to show up consistently even months later
Here’s the secret no one tells you about grief: it lingers.
So many people will show up in the first week. Some will hang around the first month. But six months later? On their birthday? The anniversary of the loss? That’s when your presence will mean the most. And on days when they feel lost in it again, remind them they’re not crazy. Grief comes in waves, and it’s okay to feel okay one minute and broken the next.
- Set a reminder in your phone for meaningful dates. Check in gently.
- Send a “thinking of you and [their loved one’s name] today” text.
- Invite them to something low-pressure, even if they say no ten times in a row.
- Keep saying their loved one’s name, keep telling stories, and keep their memory alive.
Look Out for These Warning Signs
Grief is painful, and it’s hard enough on its own. But sometimes, it becomes something that needs more than casseroles and quiet company.
You don’t have to be a therapist to notice when someone you love is slipping further into the dark. But you do have to pay attention.
Here are some gentle signs to keep an eye on, especially in the weeks and months after a loss:
- They stop responding completely. Missing a text here or there and not returning a couple of calls is a natural part of grieving. But if they keep pulling away from everyone, all the time, that’s a warning sign.
- They talk like they’re not planning to be around. If you hear things like, “What’s the point?” or “I don’t want to do this anymore,” don’t ignore it.
- They’re drinking more, using more, or pushing every limit they didn’t before.
- They’re not sleeping… or they’re sleeping all the time.
- They’re constantly blaming themselves, spiraling into guilt, or reliving the loss on repeat.
- They stop doing even the small things that used to bring them comfort.
These are signs that grief is slowly becoming depression, or that something deeper is happening. You can’t fix this, and you can’t carry this burden by yourself (please don’t try). Instead, gently suggest help. There are people that are skilled in helping carry the weight, and they can help your loved one. So suggest a grief group, a therapist, or a support hotline.
If they’re not ready to talk to someone yet, you can also share this free Grieve with Purpose course: a gentle, self-paced guide designed to help them feel less alone in their pain. Sometimes just knowing there’s a next step (even a tiny one) can be a huge relief.
Click on this link to get instant (free) access — or if they’re grieving a sudden loss of a friend, that resource may be especially relevant right now.
And if you’re worried that they might be in danger, it’s okay to reach out for professional help. Even if they’re mad at you at the moment. It’s better to lose a little trust than to lose them.
And if they’re ready to go deeper, the Intensive program offers a more structured and supported way to process everything they’re feeling with professionals who understand complex grief.If they find comfort in music, you might also send them this list of songs about loss to help them feel understood in a different way.