If you’ve ever looked around and thought, I don’t think I belong here, this is for you.
If you’ve played every role perfectly, followed the script, made everyone proud, but still feel like something is missing? This is especially for you.
“Finding yourself” gets tossed around like it’s a weekend retreat or something you check off a list in your 20s. But the truth is that this journey of self discovery is messy, ongoing, and deeply deeply personal.
So let’s take the first steps together, and discover how to find yourself in a world that’s set on convincing you you’re lost.
There’s nothing wrong with you
Let’s start here because honestly, this is where most people get stuck. You don’t feel like yourself, so you assume there must be something broken.
Or maybe you’ve been called too sensitive, too weird, or just too much.
If you’ve spent a lifetime hiding away parts of yourself, this is a kind reminder that there’s nothing wrong with you. And if you’ve ever caught yourself wondering why life feels so hard, this might be part of it — you’ve never really had the chance to be fully seen.
The real you, your fire, your passion, is all inside of you.. just waiting to come out.
You don’t have to become something new (or someone perfect)
Let’s kill the myth that you’ll “find yourself” once you’ve got it all together.
This is a journey with no end at the well… end of it. This is a journey of truth, and it doesn’t always look good on paper.
A perfect version of you simply doesn’t exist, so if you keep holding yourself to that standard, then all you will find is disappointment.
Instead, focus on meeting your true self with kindness, curiosity, and a little bit of compassion.
If you’re wondering where to start
Start where things feel kind of foggy and unglamorous and probably a little confusing, where you’re not even sure what you’re supposed to be doing but you do know that something in your life doesn’t feel like it fits anymore… and you’re tired of pretending it does. That feeling is the beginning, the part where you finally stop trying to become someone else and start listening to the person you’ve been all along, the one who got buried under all the noise of who you thought you had to be.
Let go of what looks cool or acceptable and look at what sparks joy to you
We often spend so much time on gaining the approval of people (strangers, at times) who don’t think about us any more than a couple of passing thoughts. We’re so scared of judgement that we adopt things we’re not particularly fans of, just because we should.
You don’t need a perfectly curated personality or a five-year plan that would make your high school guidance counselor proud. What you do need is to feel alive in your own skin, to do things that spark joy in you. And if that’s something that others deem “cringe”? so be it.
You’re never going to get everyone’s approval, and you’re never going to not get judgement. So do what brings you happiness, and impress yourself.
Notice the people you feel safest with—what do they bring out in you?
You ever spend time with someone and feel like your whole personality just quietly packs its bags and leaves the room? Like you start talking less, laughing less, second-guessing everything you say, and you don’t even realize it until you get home and feel weirdly drained?
That’s your nervous system telling you something.
Now think of someone who makes you forget to be self-conscious. Someone who brings out your spark, your weirdness, your real voice. That version of you? That’s the one you’re trying to come home to.
Treat your relationship with yourself like any other relationship
When was the last time you only criticized someone, passed them judgement, and berated them for the tiniest of mistakes?
Yeah, I thought so.
If you can’t imagine doing that to someone, then why do you do it to yourself? If you want to actually find yourself, you’ve got to be in a relationship with yourself. And that means nurturing the bond, checking often, and offering forgiveness when you make mistakes.
Your relationship with yourself signals other people how they should treat you too. If you’re your loudest hater, then what does that tell other people?
Pay attention to what you truly admire—it’s a reflection of what you value deep down
When you look at someone and feel that ache, not jealousy, but that bittersweet longing, like I wish I could do that or I wish I could be more like that — pause. That’s a reflection of your values, and the things you admire in others are often the things that want to wake up in you.
Use that ache as a compass, and it will guide you to what you really want to be.
Look at the dreams, the hobbies, and all the little things you keep coming back to
Remember when you were a kid, and you did things that genuinely made you feel happy? You weren’t doing them for money, for popularity, or for status. You did those things because you enjoyed them, and because they made your brain tickle in the best way possible.
Revisit your dreams, your hobbies, and even the silly things you want to leave behind. Those are parts of your soul that you’ve buried deep down, and who knows what could happen if you allow them back into the sunlight?
If something keeps calling to you, maybe it’s time to stop silencing it just because you’re afraid it’s not practical or perfect. Maybe it matters precisely because it keeps returning.
It’s okay to own what you don’t love too—that’s part of knowing yourself
You’re never going to be great at everything, and you’re never even going to like everything to begin with. So if you truly, genuinely, hate something with a passion, say rockclimbing, then own it.
Seriously, practice saying it out loud and you’ll be surprised at how it makes you feel. Here’s my guess: you’ll feel free, you’ll feel in control, and you’ll feel like you’re being true to yourself.
When we acknowledge what we don’t love, it gives us room to add more things into our life that we actually do like. And maybe that’s what finding yourself really is about. Not collecting personalities like pokemon, but shedding everything that you simply aren’t ever going to be.
When you’re ready: small, gentle ways to reconnect with yourself
You don’t have to dive into the deep end of self-discovery. In fact, please don’t. You’re allowed to wade in slowly, toe by toe, testing the water, seeing how it feels to finally turn inward without judgment.
If you’re ready to start discovering who you really are (warts and all), here’s 5 gentle ways you can start reconnecting with yourself. And if you want a little structure while you do it, these mental health goals can give you a softer place to begin without overwhelming you.
Create without worrying if it’s good
Remember the good old days (before neither you nor I were born?) People used to create art for the sake of creating. There were no awards, no recognition, no profit maximization attached to it.
We used to create because we wanted to, and perhaps it is time to start doing that again.
So write messy poetry, doodle things that look horribly deformed, and bake something that probably has too much baking soda.
Don’t create to join The Greats. Create because it’s fun, because it helps you channel your soul, and because you feel alive doing it.
Remember: you were made to make things, and not everything you make has to be beautiful or impressive or even worth keeping. Let it be bad. Let it be fun. Let it be yours.
Get comfortable with your own company
This one’s hard, especially if you’ve spent most of your life avoiding silence. But there’s something powerful about learning to be alone without feeling lonely.
For far too long, too many people surround themselves with other people, other things, other noise to not be alone. And it’s not even because we don’t want our own company, it’s mostly because we can’t even fathom being in public spaces without any sort of companion.
You have a new cafe you want to go to? Before you hit up those friends, consider inviting yourself. Or go on a walk without your phone, or go to the park and just sit on a bench with only a book to keep you company.
You’re a person, and if you can find other people fun to hang out with, why can’t you give yourself the same grace?
You don’t have to fill every gap in your day with noise or distraction. Sometimes the most important conversations happen when no one else is in the room.
Follow your curiosity (even if you’re not sure where it’s leading)
That random interest that keeps tugging at you? Try it. The topic you keep Googling? Read more about it. The strange hobby that makes you feel awkwardly excited? Do it anyway.
Curiosity is sacred, and it’s how you follow yourself back home, breadcrumb by breadcrumb.
Find little pockets of quiet where you can actually hear yourself think
It can look like five minutes in the bathroom with the door locked, or sitting in your car a little longer before going inside.
Find a pocket of quiet where you’re allowed to not be anyone but yourself. Breathe. Feel your own presence and let that — for once — truly be enough.
Reach out if you need support—therapy, coaching, or even just someone who listens
Listen, this isn’t an easy journey to go on. And some people go their entire lives without ever finding themselves. You’ll feel silly, scared, and like you’re maybe losing your mind. And if you have weight that’s too heavy to carry, or if you’d simply like support while you go on this journey of self discovery, then you’re allowed to do just that.
Choosing therapy isn’t admitting defeat, in fact, it’s the opposite. It means you’re brave enough to want something better. It means you’re ready to get curious, to be honest, to say I want more for my life and I’m willing to do the work to find it.
So if that’s where you are right now? Reach out. We have a team of awesome therapists who are here to meet you where you are. not to fix you, but to walk with you while you figure out what comes next.