Losing a loved one changes everything, doesn’t it? When someone close to us experiences this kind of pain, it can feel daunting to know what to say. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, or that your words won’t be enough to offer comfort. But reaching out, even when it’s hard, can mean the world to someone who’s grieving. In this guide, we’ll explore what to say to someone who lost a loved one, what to avoid saying, and how to show up with empathy and genuine support.
I’m Dr. Cristi Bundukamara, a psychiatric nurse practitioner who has walked through my own grief journey. Learn more about my story and work here.
Meaningful Words of Comfort to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One
So, what to say when someone loses a loved one? Finding the right words in a moment of grief isn’t really about saying something perfect, instead it’s about showing that you care. Here are a few ways to express your support in a heartfelt and meaningful way.
“I’m So Sorry for Your Loss”
It may seem simple, but a straightforward expression of sorrow goes a long way. Saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” acknowledges their pain without trying to fix it. Pair this with a gentle touch or a kind look, and you let them know you’re present for them.
“I Wish I Had the Right Words; Just Know I Care Deeply”
Sometimes, there are no words to truly capture the weight of their grief, and that’s okay. Being honest about that can be comforting in itself. When you say, “I wish I had the right words,” you’re showing humility and compassion, making space for their emotions without filling the silence with platitudes.
“One of My Favorite Memories of [Their Name] Is…”
Sharing a memory is a beautiful way to honor the person they’ve lost. It reminds them that their loved one’s impact extends beyond the immediate family. Whether it’s a small, funny moment or a meaningful gesture, this allows the grieving person to remember the joy their loved one brought into the world.
“I’m Here for You Anytime, in Any Way You Need”
Grief can feel isolating, especially when it stretches beyond the first few weeks after the loss. Let them know you’re there for the long haul by offering your support. But be specific if you can—whether it’s helping with errands, sitting in silence, or being a listening ear, let them know they don’t have to face this alone.
If you’re unsure what to say, these grief resources can provide additional guidance on comforting someone in their hardest moments.
What Not to Say To Someone Who Lost a Loved One
Even with the best intentions, some phrases can unintentionally hurt or minimize someone’s grief. Here are a few things to avoid saying when someone has lost a loved one:
“They’re in a Better Place”
While this may be intended as a comfort, it can come across as dismissive of their pain. For someone grieving, the “better place” they want is here, with their loved one.
“At Least They Lived a Long Life”
Grief isn’t measured by the years someone lived but by the impact of their presence. Saying this can feel like you’re minimizing their loss. Instead, acknowledge their unique bond with the person they lost.
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
In the midst of grief, this phrase often does more harm than good. It can feel dismissive or even hurtful, implying that their pain is a necessary part of a bigger plan. Instead, simply validate their emotions without trying to explain or justify the loss.
“I Know How You Feel”
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, every grief journey is unique. Instead of assuming you know how they feel, focus on listening to their unique experience.
Discover more about navigating grief here.
Actions That Show Support Beyond Words
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. While heartfelt phrases are meaningful, showing support through your actions can have an even greater impact. Here are ways to offer comfort and care:
Being Present Without Needing to Fill the Silence
Grieving individuals often need space to process their feelings, and your quiet presence can be more valuable than words. Sit with them, hold their hand, or simply be there. You don’t need to say much—just showing up lets them know they’re not alone.
Offering Specific, Tangible Help Instead of General Promises
Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering concrete help: “Can I bring you dinner tomorrow?” or “I’d love to help you clean or run errands this weekend.” When overwhelmed by grief, decision-making can feel impossible, so specific offers make it easier for them to accept support.
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Important Dates
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. Remembering significant dates—like their loved one’s birthday or the anniversary of their passing—shows that you understand their pain is ongoing. A simple message or gesture, like sending flowers or a thoughtful note, can mean so much on those tough days.
How to Support a Grieving Loved One Over Time
Grief is not linear, and the support someone needs evolves over time. In my own journey of confronting grief, I’ve realized that certain things people do can make a meaningful difference—small acts of care that bring comfort in unexpected ways.
If you’re wondering how you can help a grieving friend, consider consistent, thoughtful gestures that show you’re there for them. As the months and years go by, here are ways to continue being a source of comfort:
Staying Connected After the Initial Loss
The weeks immediately after a loss are often filled with visitors and support, but as time passes, many grieving individuals feel forgotten. Even months later, check in with a simple message like, “I’m thinking of you today. How are you feeling?” Taking this step shows that your care is genuine.
If they’re ready, you can suggest resources to start their grief journey.
Understanding That Grief Comes in Waves and Needs Space
Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and anticipatory grief can arise even before a loss happens. Some days, they might seem okay, and on others, the sadness might hit like a wave. Be patient and give them the room to grieve at their own pace. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel however they feel, whenever those emotions come up.
Welcoming Conversations About Their Loved One
Many grieving people fear that their loved one will be forgotten. Encourage them to share stories or memories whenever they feel ready. Saying their loved one’s name or reflecting on cherished moments helps keep their memory alive and shows you’re willing to hold space for their grief.
Common Missteps to Avoid When Supporting Someone in Grief
It’s natural to want to help, but certain actions or words can unintentionally cause hurt. Here’s what to avoid as you navigate this journey alongside them:
Avoid Trying to Fix or Solve Their Pain
Grief isn’t a problem to be solved—it’s an emotion that needs to be felt and processed. Avoid offering advice like, “You should…” or “You need to…” Instead, focus on listening and validating their feelings.
Refrain from Comparing Losses
While you may have experienced grief yourself, saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” can be isolating for the grieving person. Instead, acknowledge that their pain is unique and let them guide the conversation about their emotions. Comparing losses can alienate the grieving person because grief is deeply personal. People process grief differently, influenced by their experiences, personality, and even cultural or societal expectations. For instance, men often process grief in ways that are less outwardly expressive, which can make their journey harder to recognize or support.
Letting Go of the Urge to ‘Cheer Them Up’ or ‘Make It Better’
Grief isn’t something to be “fixed” with jokes or distractions. While your intentions may be kind, phrases like, “Try to focus on the positive,” can feel invalidating. Allow them to sit with their feelings, and offer your presence instead of a pep talk.
Practical Support: Mentally STRONG’s Free Grief Course
Supporting someone in grief takes patience and understanding, but having the right tools can make all the difference. This free grief course is designed to offer gentle guidance and insight, helping individuals navigate their emotions with clarity and resilience.
Share Helpful Insights on Grief and Resilience
This course provides practical strategies for understanding and managing the complex emotions that come with loss. It’s a resource that can help someone feel less alone and more equipped to process their grief.
Offer Gentle Guidance on Finding Comfort
Grieving is deeply personal, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. The course encourages participants to find comfort in ways that resonate with their unique experiences, providing a compassionate framework for healing.
Encourage Inner Strength and Lasting Resilience
At the heart of the course is the belief that healing doesn’t mean “moving on”—it means finding the strength to carry your loss with grace. By building inner resilience, participants can learn to honor their grief while rediscovering purpose and hope.
Moving Forward with Grief
Grief often reveals the depths of love and loss, leaving a person unsure of how to move forward. If someone close to you is navigating this journey, one of the most meaningful things you can do is to walk alongside them—gently, at their pace. Sometimes, it’s as simple as asking, “Are you ready to start exploring what you’re feeling?” What you’re doing here is creating space for them to take those first steps when they’re ready to start their healing journey.
Consider offering resources that provide gentle guidance, like our Free Grief Course: Grieve With Purpose. It’s a thoughtful way to help them understand the waves of grief they’re experiencing, with no pressure to figure it all out at once.
For those whose grief feels especially heavy, suggesting therapy or professional support can be especially helpful. Let them know it’s okay to seek help and that they don’t have to carry this alone. Sometimes, just knowing there are compassionate options available can be a relief.
If you sense they’re ready to take a deeper step, the Grief Intensive offers a dedicated space to explore their feelings, surrounded by understanding and care. It’s an opportunity to honor their loss while finding moments of strength and connection in a supportive environment.
However, you choose to support your loved one, remember that your presence alone can mean the world. Showing up, listening, and holding space are some of the most profound ways to help someone through grief.