There are dates that live in your bones. You don’t need a calendar reminder… you feel them coming. Maybe it starts as a dull ache in the days leading up, maybe it’s a sudden punch of grief when you least expect it, or maybe it’s a simple sentence that brings it all rushing back.
The anniversary of someone’s death is a strange kind of heartbreak.
And if you’re here, you’re probably carrying that weight today. Maybe wondering how to honor it, how to do their memory justice, or just how the hell to get through today without falling apart.
There’s no perfect way to do this. But if you’re looking for ideas that feel gentle, real, and human, here are a few.
Let’s start here: There’s no right way to do this
Grief isn’t a checklist, and remembering someone you’ve lost isn’t a Pinterest board of perfect rituals. Some years you might want to light a candle and cry. Other years you might forget the date entirely and then hate yourself for it.
You don’t have to perform your grief for anyone else and you don’t need to mark the day with big declarations or neatly tied-up feelings. You can whisper their name under your breath and that’s enough. You can cancel plans and that’s enough. You can laugh at a memory and still end the day in tears, and that, too, is enough.
You get to decide what remembering them looks like this year.
If you want something small and quiet…
Sometimes the loudest kind of grief is the one that needs quiet company: just you, your memories, and the aching absence of someone who should still be here.
1. Light a candle and let yourself feel
A candle is simple. But it says, “I’m thinking of you.” You don’t have to say anything profound. Just lighting the flame can be enough of a conversation.
2. Write them a letter or speak to them aloud
Write them a letter and tell them you miss them, everything that’s changed, and all that hasn’t. You can rant, sob, whisper, scream. You can even write, “I don’t know what to say.” That’s still saying something.
3. Visit a meaningful place and just be
Let your feet carry you to a place where you can feel them the most. It could be the park bench where you’d sit for hours to talk, or the arcade you’d spend those last ten dollars in, or the coffee shop with the barista who always flirted with both of you.
Let yourself remember without rushing to feel better. Let the presence and the absence exist together for a while.
If you want to remember them with others…
Maybe you loved them loudly, and you have other people around you who also feel the ache of their absence deeply. This can be the day for you to come together, share stories, and let their memory live loudly.
If that’s what you’re craving this year, these are a few ways to gather, not to fix the pain, but to soften it by holding it together.
4. Share stories over a meal or a memory walk
Cook their favourite food and order in that mildly bad pizza that they always got when they had a tough day. Or just sit with people who knew them and talk about who they were: funny stories, bittersweet moments, the things they said that still live in your head. Walk together somewhere meaningful and feel their presence wash over you.
5. Post a photo or song they loved online
If you feel like making the memory visible, sharing something on social media can create a ripple of remembrance. It doesn’t need to be a long post. A picture, a lyric, a “thinking of you” can open the door for others to remember with you.
6. Host a ritual without needing it to be traditional
Did they always let their tea get cold in the mornings? Make a cup of tea and let it sit out for long, or cry as you see it get cold. Release a balloon or a memory note. You don’t need religious or cultural “rules” to honor someone.
If you want to keep their memory growing…
The grief you feel now will never truly leave you. And that’s not a bad thing — after all, what is grief if not love with nowhere to go? Sometimes, that means finding ways to let love keep moving: growing roots, blooming again, changing form without fading.
7. Volunteer or donate to a cause they cared about
Remember all that they cared about that made you love them so much. It could be the shelter that they’d volunteer at once a month, or the NGO they loved talking about. Find a cause that mattered to them and give something. Time, money, attention. It’s a way to keep their heartprints alive in the world.
8. Plant something in their honor and watch it bloom
All life ends, but it also grows in the most wonderful of ways. Plan a garden or a tree or even a stubborn little succulent on your windowsill. Watching something thrive in their name reminds you that the love didn’t die, even if they did.
9. Create a space at home to visit when you miss them
A photo, a candle, a little shelf with things that remind you of them. It doesn’t need to be big. It just needs to feel like them. A corner where your grief is allowed to sit down, breathe, and be seen.
If today feels like too much, that’s okay too
Some anniversaries with overwhelming sadness, or a dreary fog, or a quiet kind of numbness that makes you feel like a ghost in your own skin.
If you woke up dreading this day (or forgot it was coming until the grief punched you mid-scroll) it doesn’t mean you loved them less. It doesn’t mean you’re doing this wrong. It means you’re human.
You don’t have to light a candle, write a letter, or show up at a memorial. You’re allowed to stay in bed to cancel plans, and to order takeout and not answer any texts. You’re allowed to grieve however your heart needs to.
A reminder: You’re allowed to grieve in your own way, year after year
Grief won’t RSVP to your calendar or politely excuse itself after the first year. You might feel okay one anniversary and completely undone the next. That doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It means that you loved someone so dearly that the day of their passing, even years or decades later, still wrecks you.
And if this day, or any day, feels like too much to carry on your own, please know you don’t have to.
The Grieve with Purpose is free, and it’s designed for moments when the pain sneaks up on you and you’re just trying to make sense of it all.
If you’re ready for deeper support, the Mentally STRONG Intensive is a place designed for women by women to hold space for the complicated, beautiful, gut-wrenching work of grief and healing. We won’t ask you to feel better, we’ll help you learn what it means to live a full, honest life with your grief still in the room.
You’re not doing this wrong. You’re doing something impossibly hard. And we’re here whenever you’re ready.